My Journey to Joy

March 21, 2012

Myth: God cannot be loving if I cannot conceive

Filed under: Shared Findings — aunthoddy @ 5:00 AM
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Infertility is a part of our family. Our family of two. We talk about it like we talk about the weather. Sometimes so much that we are so sick of having to talk about it. It’s become our familiar friend. Month after month we’re reminded that something we long for just wasn’t meant to be. And we wait. We are getting good at waiting.

 It has always been a battle of the mind. Fighting against the thoughts that it creep in muddling our sanity. It must be our fault. I must have done something to be this way. Maybe if I do this, we’ll get pregnant and we won’t have to walk this road anymore. It has become a cyclical road: hope followed by the silent reminder that things are not as we hoped.

 Our journey has been recorded through words on the page. Emotional words, words filled with sadness, but mostly words filled with hope and faith. Because we’ve learned we are not that different from you. And we want you to know that you are not that different than we are, even if you have children…

…Infertility is a funny thing really. Women and men have battled infertility for centuries. The Bible tells us so. Ninety years of barrenness Sarah waited. I’ve waited 2. Seems silly really. But somehow that doesn’t always change the hurt inside. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples suffers from infertility? In our 2 years I’ve met 8 couples that are walking this road.

Do you know someone who’s battling infertility? If you do, they need you to remind them, God is good. So many think if we don’t get what we want when we want it then God must not be good. If I’ve learned anything through the waiting it’s that my God is INCREDIBLY good. God being good is not equated with getting what we want. Seeing infertility as good might sound a little sideways; you may want to stop reading. Please don’t. Infertility isn’t good in and of itself. It’s a product of the fall. But through this waiting I’m learning more about who He is. And for that, I’m grateful.

How we view adversity can affect our entire being. You may not believe in my God. You may not call Him by name. He may not be your best friend. But He’s mine. Creator of the Universe, Jehovah Jireh (Provider), all-powerful, all-sufficient, loving. He’s my God. And in this trial the words of the Book of Life have become my strength. In the tears, when no one can truly feel my emotions. He can. When I feel alone, my soul finds comfort. He’s always with me. If I ask why, he whispers in my ear. My ways are not your ways. When my heart cries, Are you there? He answers, Always. If I ask how long Lord? He gently answers, I’ll carry you.

I’m thankful He takes me in His arms. He wraps me in His love. He promises me that He will never leave me or forsake me. He bottles my tears in His book and gently wipes them away. He is familiar with my pain. He has waited. He has hurt. He has wanted. He has asked for the cup to be taken from Him. He’s good. All the time. And because of Him, I can walk through the fire and not be burned. I can hope that He will hear my cries and answer me. And I can be content because His best is better than anything I can imagine.

 It hurts. It is painful. It is a battle. There are days I have questioned His goodness. There have been plenty of times I’ve acted like a 2 year old, spitting angry, stomping my feet in imperfect selfishness. And I’ve felt empty every time. But I’m always brought back to the truth. He’s good. There is no evil in Him. I am not being punished and neither are you. We are being made holy by way of life’s trials. And He’s been there. And He’s with us. And by the road of infertility, or cancer, or MS, or by any adversity, we’ll be made to be women who Hope with great faith and are Content in Him. We’ll have great joy even in the midst. That’s a strong woman. I want to be a strong woman. Believe He’s good. It changes everything. I promise because He promised me.  ~Andrea


July 23, 2011

Frederick Buechner on The Journey

Filed under: Notable Quotables — aunthoddy @ 6:08 PM
Tags: , , ,

Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.  ~Frederick Buechner

July 5, 2011

Songs for the Journey

Filed under: Songs for the Journey — aunthoddy @ 7:58 PM
Tags: , , , ,

One of the things that God is teaching me is that He has a reason for everything that happens in my life.  The most incomprehensible pain is for a purpose- His purpose for my life, which is for my best.  Easy theology to accede, harder to truly believe and live out.    But I’m learning…

Hope, when I don’t feel hopeful.

Trust when I don’t see the result.

And confidence that if I allow God to do His work in my heart, this trial, this time, this journey will not be Unredeemed.

June 21, 2011

Songs for the Journey

Filed under: Songs for the Journey — aunthoddy @ 8:11 PM
Tags: , , ,

So much of this journey has been learning that God is God, and He is good, no matter what I feel or how things seem to me. It’s not about me.  He is the one who decides for my life, and He never makes mistakes!  I’m learning to praise in my pain, through my circumstances…and it is powerful!

I Will Praise You in This Storm

May 2, 2011


Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 8:19 PM
Tags: , , , ,

Tonight I saw a link to a blog entitled: “When the Crib Went Empty.”  It was about a woman’s miscarriage, and her subsequent grief.  I haven’t had to go through this, but I comprehend some of her anguish.

My crib is empty.  I’ve shut the door on a beautiful room full of stars and moons, books, toys and blankets.  I’ve tried to shut my heart, for a time, to the yearning that will not relent.  Unsuccessfully.

Our home study is going well.  We’re nearing the end to this part of our journey.  Today our social worker warned us that the fun part was almost over.

Fun?!  We’ve had every vestige of privacy ripped away.  We’ve paid exhorbitant sums of money and stretched our budget to the max.  We’ve rearranged schedules, taken off work, made multiples trips, gone through reams of paperwork, dealt with bureaucracy on many levels.  We’ve jumped through hoops, agonized over decisions, and prayed, prayed, prayed.

Soon, the hard times will come.  Times when we’ll get calls with questions.  Times when our hopes will be raised and dashed.  Times when we’ll think it’s really almost over, almost accomplished…then nothing.

This weekend we attended an adoption education class.  The sessions were wonderful, and it was great to connect with other couples with the same struggles.  One couple in particular stood out to me.  They’ve recently experienced a failed adoption.  They thought their miracle had come.  Their nursery was complete, their dreams about to be fulfilled, their crib…is empty.

They gave it away on Friday.  The sight of it was just too much.  They’re trying to continue with the process, but their hearts are broken.  “Why?  We courted…we were chaste…we would love a child with all our hearts…”  The haunting questions.  Some I have resolved, with God’s help.  Some, I still wonder.

In a comment at the end of the post “When the Crib Went Empty” someone wrote this:

Lament is a form of worship.

And so I join with countless saints, who throughout the ages have cried out to God.

“She weeps bitterly in the night, Her tears are on her cheeks…she finds no rest…she is in bitterness.  My strength and my hope have perished…See, O Lord, that I am in distress… 

This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope.  Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning.  Great is thy faithfulness!  The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I hope in Him!  The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”  Lamentations 1-3, selections

October 29, 2010


Filed under: Uncategorized — aunthoddy @ 9:21 AM
Tags: , , ,

I like words.  Speaking is one of the ways that I process things.  Our journey through infertility has been hard to “process,” to say the least.  Sometimes it even hurts too much for words.  I’m hesitant to “bring it up,” knowing that it will possibly be awkward, and almost always end in tears!  And yet, I do need to speak.

I haven’t been terribly brave, so far.  We’ve only told a handful of people, people whom we truly trust.  It’s just too raw, too painful for public consumption.  I fear thoughtless remarks, unsolicited advice, and my response to both!  🙂  Perhaps someday I’ll have more courage.

Infertility is often called a journey.  It’s certainly an odd sort of journey: we don’t know where it’s going, how we will get there, or how long it will take. 

We don’t really have a choice; this journey has become part of our lives, whether we wish it to or not.  You have a choice, and you’ve chosen to share this painful journey with us.  I can never describe what that means to us.

November marks the end of our second year of infertility.

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: