My Journey to Joy

September 12, 2013


Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 5:00 AM
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If you had heard the conversation in our SUV on the way home from church, you might just think I’m crazy.  Little man had dropped off to sleep in his carseat, after a week of VBS and a big Sunday.  As we headed home, I turned to my husband and said: “We’re heading into a spiritual battle.”

He’s used to me, so he just listened, and waited for me to explain.  “It’s like that guy said: ‘adoption is war.’*  Satan hates what we’re doing.  Adoption is God using His people to redeem wrong choices and bad situations.  It’s us being God’s hands and feet, and showing love and sacrifice.  It’s showing God’s glory all over the place, where Satan had been winning.  He’s gonna hate that.”

My husband may have nodded, but I was on a roll now!  “He’s going to try to make it hard.  He’s going to try to discourage us.  Paperwork that seems endless is more than just paperwork; he’s trying to stop us.  Crazy expenses that we know we can’t handle; that’s him trying to stop this.  Disappointments and heartache; he’ll use it all.  We’re heading into a fight.”

It’s certainly a different way to look at adoption, but starting to adopt for a second time, I really believe it’s accurate.  Adoption is hard for a reason.  It’s fought, actively opposed.  Because Satan doesn’t want it to happen.  I think most often apathy is all he needs at his disposal.  Then maybe a sense of inadequacy.  Throw in some fear (change. unknowns. comfort. money. pain.)  A few “what if’s” and horror stories can go a long way…

I don’t plan to face this unarmed.  I’m asking God to remind me that this is His fight.  That He loves our next child more than we ever can.  That He has been fighting for them since before they were conceived.  He’s already won on the cross.  He is our powerful ally.  And we can win…and the victory will be God’s.




September 5, 2013


Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 5:00 AM
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I didn’t know it would happen this quickly.  All of the emotions, rushing back.  I feel as if I have been on a sabbatical.  Life has been fairly calm, full of sweet moments with my husband and baby boy.  I haven’t had much to worry about.  We’ve settled into a nice routine.  It’s been nice.  So nice.  And nothing’s changed, not really.  But getting that package in the mail… “application for potential adoptive families”  And everything’s changed.

At first I was unaware.  Things were going on below the surface.  Then I realized I’m crying over anything.  My emotions are at surface level.  And the dread…

Twice now, when we tell people we’re adopting, they’re so excited for us!  So sweet, so supportive.  I feel a little phony when they ask, “Are you excited?!”  This answer is complicated.  Yes, I am excited.  But no, that’s not my primary emotion…yet.

I’m happy.  I’ve settled into my new normal.  Adjusted.  And I like it here.  And then I look at adoption, and I see my world radically changing.  I see the inevitable heartbreak involved in the process.  And my wimpy self asks, “Are you crazy?!”  Throughout most of my life, when I have seen a painful prospect on the horizon, I haven’t charted a course directly toward it.  But here we are.  Marching right into hurt.  Because it’s worth it.  Because God has called us.  Because it’s not about us anyway.

And this time around, I’m actively fighting the fear.  I have a playlist of songs that I sing along with in the car, usually with tears streaming down my face.  Sometimes through gritted teeth.  But I keep singing.  I’m quoting Bible verses to myself; verses about fear, about trust, about God’s great love and His plan for me.  I’m sharing my struggles with friends, who are so gracious to encourage me and lift me up in prayer.  (I love that phrase: “Lift me up in prayer”!)

This is too much.  More than we can handle.  Again.  I’m so thankful that “God is not restricted to my strong points”! ~Marye Shivers

I’m reminding myself how big my God is, and how easy it will be for Him to fulfill His plan.  All I have to do is show up!  So I will…

*I wrote this about a month ago, and it’s amazing what God has done since then in releasing me from fear!  He is so good…

August 6, 2011

John Piper on Fighting for Joy

Filed under: Notable Quotables — aunthoddy @ 5:51 PM
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How Shall We Fight for Joy?  ~John Piper

// 1. Realize that authentic joy in God is a gift.

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