My Journey to Joy

September 5, 2013

Again

Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 5:00 AM
Tags: , , ,

I didn’t know it would happen this quickly.  All of the emotions, rushing back.  I feel as if I have been on a sabbatical.  Life has been fairly calm, full of sweet moments with my husband and baby boy.  I haven’t had much to worry about.  We’ve settled into a nice routine.  It’s been nice.  So nice.  And nothing’s changed, not really.  But getting that package in the mail… “application for potential adoptive families”  And everything’s changed.

At first I was unaware.  Things were going on below the surface.  Then I realized I’m crying over anything.  My emotions are at surface level.  And the dread…

Twice now, when we tell people we’re adopting, they’re so excited for us!  So sweet, so supportive.  I feel a little phony when they ask, “Are you excited?!”  This answer is complicated.  Yes, I am excited.  But no, that’s not my primary emotion…yet.

I’m happy.  I’ve settled into my new normal.  Adjusted.  And I like it here.  And then I look at adoption, and I see my world radically changing.  I see the inevitable heartbreak involved in the process.  And my wimpy self asks, “Are you crazy?!”  Throughout most of my life, when I have seen a painful prospect on the horizon, I haven’t charted a course directly toward it.  But here we are.  Marching right into hurt.  Because it’s worth it.  Because God has called us.  Because it’s not about us anyway.

And this time around, I’m actively fighting the fear.  I have a playlist of songs that I sing along with in the car, usually with tears streaming down my face.  Sometimes through gritted teeth.  But I keep singing.  I’m quoting Bible verses to myself; verses about fear, about trust, about God’s great love and His plan for me.  I’m sharing my struggles with friends, who are so gracious to encourage me and lift me up in prayer.  (I love that phrase: “Lift me up in prayer”!)

This is too much.  More than we can handle.  Again.  I’m so thankful that “God is not restricted to my strong points”! ~Marye Shivers

I’m reminding myself how big my God is, and how easy it will be for Him to fulfill His plan.  All I have to do is show up!  So I will…

*I wrote this about a month ago, and it’s amazing what God has done since then in releasing me from fear!  He is so good…

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1 Comment »

  1. PRAYING!

    Comment by SUE (Mimi) — September 5, 2013 @ 11:44 AM | Reply


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