My Journey to Joy

April 26, 2012

Speak

Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 5:00 AM
Tags: , , , , ,

People often tell me that I seem confident and self-assured.  In fact, I often have a pretty low view of myself.  Infertility hasn’t helped.  When we initially told people that we were unable to have children, some of the responses were thoughtless.  “Maybe God knew you wouldn’t be able to raise a child to serve Him” and “Maybe something is going to happen to you…”  We heard: You’re not good enough.  Those statements were nothing when compared to my own mental torment.

Then we began the adoption process.  Our home, our jobs, our marriage, our spiritual lives-everything was intensely scrutinized, with what we perceived to be a critical eye.  It was uncomfortable and painful.  After that, we began being shown to birthmothers.  Each time, they either chose to parent, or selected another family.  “Not chosen” feels a whole lot like “rejected.”  (Again: not good enough)

I began to hesitate if someone asked how many times we’ve been shown.  It’s not pleasant to say that someone else appeared “better” than we did- 15 times!  My brain knows the statistics (so many parents are being shown each time).  I know that just because someone senses a connection, it doesn’t make one family superior to another.  Still, for a girl who really likes her gold stars, it’s been rough.  (And another reminder that it is vital that I get my worth from God-not what people think of me!)

The silver lining is that during this process, so many people have said kind things.  I hold onto those like life preservers.  Last night I explained to a friend who had inquired that we’d been shown 15x, but never chosen.  “They don’t know what they’re missing,” she said.  Have them call me, and I’ll tell them!”  And it was like medicine on a wound.  These people who don’t know us obviously aren’t impressed, but to hear that from someone who does and is…  She’ll never know what those words have meant to me.  And the other words of encouragement, telling us they don’t understand why it is taking so long, why we haven’t been picked…  The ones who say we’ll be great parents.  The ones who have even spoken on our behalf.  I treasure the words, and the love behind them.  I read the cards, again and again.  I cry over the e-mails.  And I remember what’s been said.  It’s how I keep going.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  Ephesians  4:29

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1 Comment »

  1. I can not believe anyone would actually say those things to you, it is heartbreaking. I have been thinking about you two so much lately and praying for you. I hope you know that you are truly “good enough” and will, one day, make awesome parents. When that day arrives, you will know exactly why God had you wait, because we don’t believe in chance or luck. Things don’t just happen for no reason and families don’t just come together on a whim. Our Father in heaven plans it all. Sadly, right now, your plan includes waiting and that’s incredibly tough. It’s been said that God never gives us more than we can handle, but I think He gives us what it takes for us to come running to Him. Run to Him. Wait with Him. And whatever comes, know that your family, both immediate and extended, love you so very much & are praying for you & support you!

    Comment by Heather Cooper — May 5, 2012 @ 9:45 AM | Reply


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