My Journey to Joy

March 14, 2012

Agony

Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 11:00 AM
Tags: , , , , , , ,

This is for several dear friends, who are going through their own agony.  I love you, ladies, and I’m praying…

 

It has different names. Yours might have been cancer, affair, lost…mine was infertile.  I’m guessing it feels a lot the same.

At first, you think of it constantly, rolling it around in your head.  Examining it.  Looking for solutions, or a way out of this hurt.  Sometimes you talk about it, sometimes you don’t.  Sometimes you cry until you feel like your head will explode.  Sometimes you sit and stare, with dry eyes, feeling completely empty.  Depleted.  Hollow.

Forgetting it for a few moments, or even hours is wonderful…until you remember.  In that awful moment, it’s almost as if it hits you again, fresh, like the first time.  You grapple with thoughts of “did that really happen?”  It can take your breath away, and make you want to double over to somehow survive this onslaught in your own mind.

Then there are the triggers.  They’re everywhere!  I have a roll of return address labels that I bought years ago.  They say “W_____ Family.”  I don’t use them.  We’re almost out of the ones that say “Daniel & Holly.”  Today I opened the desk drawer to get a stamp, and it hit me again.  When I went to vote, a volunteer asked me where my other children were.  And I said: “I don’t have any children.  I’m just a nanny.”  Celebrations can be excruciating.  An innocent comment can tear a rip right across my heart.

And then there are the decisions.  You feel as if your world has collapsed.  You don’t know how to keep breathing.  And people want to know what your plans are.  And you wish you could just go to sleep and have someone take over your life and steer until all of this is over…

And you question yourself.  What could I have done differently?  Is this something that I’ve earned, that I deserve?  Is there something wrong with me that I’ve just never noticed all of my life?

And you question God.  How can He let this happen?  How can He ever “work this out for good?”  Where is He, and why can’t I feel Him?

And then, eventually, You see Him again.  And you remember what He did for you, and how He loves you.  Oh, how He loves!  And your friends learn how to help you.  Your vision broadens beyond this one hurt.  You begin to see beauty.  And slowly, oh, so slowly, you begin to taste hope again.  And now you know to savor it, as the beautiful thing that it is.  You’ll never take it for granted again.  And you live…

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1 Comment »

  1. How very true, Holly, that we only truly experience and appreciate what we have when we’ve been faced with the pain of what we don’t. I’m so glad however, that as we feel we can’t stand this trial, that the Saviour shows us with His help we can. And then…we truly begin to live each day to it’s fullest and enjoy all those wonderful, beautiful, precious “little things” that make this life worth living and full of joy.

    I love you and the other ladies in your life who are hurting!! You are precious in my eyes and on my heart and in my prayers. Hugs~Mom

    Comment by Sue Fleming — March 15, 2012 @ 8:48 PM | Reply


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