My Journey to Joy

July 14, 2011

Fear

Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 7:48 PM
Tags: , , , , ,

I run through all of the reasons that this is a bad idea…foolish…crazy even.  Why would someone put themselves in this place?  Why would we even consider risking our time, our money, our hearts?

We know the statistics, and they are staggering.  Of 100 birthmothers who decide to place their child, approximately 80 will change their minds.  I’m no mathematician, but even I know that 20% is pretty poor odds.

Most people who adopt domestically go through at least one failed adoption.  Two little words that mean you thought your time had come and all of this was behind you…but it isn’t.  Sometimes this happens early, after only a few days or weeks of breathless excitement and expectant joy.  (I’ve heard it frequently compared to a miscarriage by people who have experienced both.)  Sometimes it happens later, after many months of preparing and waiting.

Sometimes it happens after a parent has held their child, nurtured it through its first days.  First bottle…first bath…rocking it to sleep…then gone.  No reason, no explanation- just gone.

This is my fear, the terror that chokes me if I think about it.  The grief that brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it.  The pain that makes me want to back away, stop everything, and just freeze in a cringing paralysis of horror.

What if this happens to us?  What if “our baby” is snatched away from us?  How will I cope?  What will I do?  How could I stand it?

“I will bless the Lord at all times.  His praise shall continually be in my mouth.  My soul shall make its boast in the Lord.  The humble shall hear of it and be glad.  Oh, magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His name together.  I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.  They looked to Him and were radiant, and their faces were not ashamed.”  Psalms 34:1-5

I don’t know if this may happen to us.  I don’t know if “our baby” will be snatched away.  I don’t know how I will cope, what I will do, or how I can stand it…except the God that I serve will be with me, and help me through whatever I may face.

“Fear denies that God’s presence is powerful and fully active in [my] life.  It cancels all hope and faith in God’s desire to work in [my] behalf.”

Stormie OMartian

I have no idea how our story will unfold; it’s certainly been full of surprises so far, some of them pain-filled. But I know my God.  He is my hope, and my faith is in Him.

“There is not fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear involves torment.  But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.”  1 John 4:18

“For God has not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”  2 Timothy 1:7

I’m still scared.  Please continue to hold us up in your prayers.

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