My Journey to Joy

December 11, 2010


Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 9:07 AM
Tags: , , , ,

So many things have changed.  My dream for my life what shattered by our infertility.  I was lost.  I did not know what to do.  I had followed “the plan,” the “rules,” now what?  So many things to consider, aspects that I never dreamed would be part of the equation.  I felt so ill-equipped.

In the midst of such hurt and confusion, I did the only thing I knew to do:

I cried out to God.

Again, and again, and again.  Why is this happening?  What should I do?  When will this end?  How can you be glorified in this?  What are you doing with our lives?

He knew the answers.  And He has shown me some of them, as I’ve been ready.

The Dream Never Dies

Be sure to read the lyrics of this song.  It’s sung from the perspective of Elizabeth, another barren, heartbroken woman.  God gave her a son.  And I believe He’ll give me children, too.

Last year, Christmas was terrifically hard.  In December we got final confirmation that our chances for a natural pregnancy were virtually none.  Through some sort of paperwork error, the specialist’s office called about five times, with the same bad news.  This was about the time that we learned about Madelyn Rose.  We were so happy for Krista & Leonard, but it amplified our emptiness somehow.  The night the church went Christmas caroling was the lowest I can ever remember.  I had tried as hard as I knew how to “pull it together,” but I simply couldn’t.  When I should have been loading into a car to spread “Christmas cheer,” I was curled into a ball on my kitchen floor, keening.  That was the night I started writing.  Pages and pages of feelings, frustrations, questions, anger, and pain.  It’s not light reading.  I don’t go back and read it.  But it gave me a sense of relief.  Since then I’ve even learned to share some of those thoughts, with you, dear friends.

This year feels so different.  We are still infertile.  I will most likely never bear children.  But this year, I have hope.  We’ve decided to adopt.  We plan to start the paperwork after Christmas.  And probably not next year, but maybe the next, I’ll be sharing Christmas with my own little ones.

Praise the Lord!


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