My Journey to Joy

November 18, 2010

Bitter

Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 9:13 AM
Tags: , , , ,

I read a story today about a couple who aren’t sure if they want to be parents.  The wife thinks she may be too selfish and set in her ways.  They’re not sure if they want to upset the “status quo.”

They happen to be pregnant.

Their decision?  Set up a poll on their blog or website.  All votes must be in before December 7th.  Should the baby live or die.  Check yes or no.

Unthinkable.  Disgusting.  Pathetic.  Bitter?

When we first found out that we were infertile, I was bitter.  “Why them, God?!”  I cried, I fumed, I vented.

There were plenty of opportunities.

Teen “mothers.”  Parents yelling at their children in Wal-Mart.  Even parents with multiple children.  (They get 3 children, 4 children…and I get none?!)

Bitterness is not a flattering accessory.  It doesn’t look good on anyone; and I’m no exception.

Bitter.  The word makes my mouth twist, my brows lower.  What an unpleasant, unattractive word.  Naomi chose it as her name, as what defined who she was.

What a horrible way to be.

Be, not feel.  Bitterness is a choice.  A disease that eats from the inside out.  A sickness that takes away joy in others’ happiness.  A cancer that robs intimacy and obscures truth.

An isolator.

Bitterness is pretty much a solo endeavor.  People don’t gather in large, supportive groups to be bitter!

It shows a smallness of spirit.

That’s something I didn’t want to acknowledge about myself.  I didn’t want to see how selfish I really was, how spoiled and entitled I acted.  How little I truly cared for others.

God’s been teaching me.

Each time that I choose to “rejoice with those who rejoice,” I take a step forward.  Whenever I see past myself to acknowledge the hurt someone else is feeling I am stronger.  Every time I refuse to wallow in my own misery, I see that I do have a choice.

Am I happy?  No, but I will be again someday.  I don’t chase happiness anymore.

I rest in peace that passes all understanding, confidence that I have a future and a hope, and the joy of the Lord, which is my strength.

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