My Journey to Joy

November 3, 2010


Filed under: Contemplations — aunthoddy @ 9:19 AM
Tags: , , , , , ,

I’m so tired of feeling raw.  Empty.  At the end of my endurance.  Then something else happens, so I guess it wasn’t the very end after all.

Infertility packs a double punch.  It’s different from most griefs in that it is both chronic (constant) and crisis (monthly hope/disappointment).  Today was crisis…

This morning was certainly one of the worst.  Several things led me to believe that maybe, just maybe…  I actually took two pregnancy tests this time.  One several days ago, full of hope and expectancy.  Another today, just in case something had been missed.  Four days late.  Four agonizingly long, tantalizing days of floating in a nervous, surreal “what if?” bubble.  Then today…

Same old pain, but somehow made sharper by the dashed hopes.

I want to have faith.  I believe that God can do anything.  He has made me no promises about children, though.

I miss feeling like myself.  I miss happiness.  I’m so tired of hurting…

I never escape for more than a few hours.  I can’t run away; it’s within me.

I’ll pray-I’ve prayed-I’m praying.  And crying.  And sharing.

God is good.  His mercy is everlasting.  His promises are true.  And He cares.

I wonder what he’ll do with this bottle of tears?  He must have something incredible in mind.  I only wish I could see it.  Blessed are those who believe but haven’t seen.  Blessed are those who mourn.



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